Padres vs Giants: Opening Day Live Blog

Padres vs Giants: Opening Day Live Blog

Padres vs Giants, let’s fucking go!

San Diego and San Francisco enter Friday’s action tied at the bottom of the NL West, both with 1-3 records respectively. Luis Perdomo vs Matt Cain, both in their first starts. Let’s get this shit started!

1st Inning

Leadoff double for Joe Panik. Fuck.

Holy shit. Perdomo gives up a run on a balk. Are you shitting me? Bullshit call, and Perdomo strikes out Belt on the next pitch. Ball don’t lie.

Giants up 1-0 heading into the bottom of the first, all on a terrible call. Life of a Pads fan.

Knew that was out as soon as he made contact. 1-1.

Next three batters retired, and we’re headed to the second all tied up.

2nd Inning

Schimpf with a sick diving stop at third on the Giants’ first batter, and Aybar makes a nice play to retire the second. Jarrett Parker, aka the ugliest dude in the majors, grounds out to put the Pads back at the plate. Easy 1-2-3.

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Look at that fucking face.

Schimpf walks to lead off the inning after fouling one off into the dugout. Steals second on a WILD fucking pitch. Bounced before it even reached the batter’s box.

Renfroe grounds out — NEVER MIND!!! Crawford makes a shit throw to first from short and Brandon Belt can’t hold onto it. Easy money for San Diego.

Just like that, Hedges strikes out and Aybar flies out, bringing the pitcher to bat. Damn.

Holy shit, Perdomo hits it to deep right, but that ugly ass right fielder somehow came down with it. Guy saved two fucking runs with that play. On to the third.

3rd Inning

STEEERIKE THREE! After a leadoff groundout, Perdomo strikes out his second (Cain).

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE PANIK! San Fran’s leadoff hitter — guy who scored on that bullshit balk — strikes out and that’s three for the Pads’ pitcher through two innings. San Diego’s already back up to bat.

ANOTHER HOMER FOR MARGOT, MAKE THAT TWO! Why don’t you Margot on home Giants, because this game’s fucking over.

Myers pulls a double after the Jankowski out, and the Pads are looking great.

Solarte hits a double, Myers scores and it’s 3-1! LFG.

Schimpf walks again, but Renfroe strikes out and it looks like San Diego’s runners might be stranded. Let’s see. FUCK. Hundley makes the nice grab on a pop-up, and the Giants escape the third down just two runs.

4th Inning

Old guy standing outside my house with his back turned, on the phone. Why is it that old people don’t know how to walk and talk on the phone at the same time?

Anyways, Pads retire the first two batters, Perdomo’s fucking balling right now. Balls are moving all over the place. Guy’s shimmying like Cueto and still hits 97 like it’s nothing. Crawford hits a single, but it doesn’t matter — Hundley grounds out, and the Pads are back up.

Aybar’s cheek is a mile long, dude’s probably dipping two packs right now. Pads don’t get anything going and we’re on to the fifth.

5th Inning

Jankowski with the hit and steal to lead off after the Giants can’t get anything going in the top of the inning. Jank scores! Solarte bats him in with a nice single up the middle.

Cain’s falling apart, looks like he might getting pulled after his fourth walk of the day. Runners on first and second, Cain still on the mound. GIANTS FALLING APART. Nunez bobbles a grounder to third, and the bases are loaded. Cain gets yanked, Cory Gearrin is comin in. Fuck man, Giants turn two and the Padres’ lead remains 4-1.

6th Inning

Pinch-hitter Gillaspie singles, Panik doubles and I’m already freaking out. Runners on second and third, no outs. Not good.

Bullshit ball four on a full count, and the bases are loaded. Coaches talking to Perdomo and I’m still flipping.

FUCK YOU BRANDON BELT. First-basemen hits a grand slam and it’s probably game over. Holy shit.

Hundley singles, and Solarte is gone. That’s a bummer man, dude was slinging it all game until that grand slam.

Diaz comes in, making his MLB debut. Let’s hope for good things.

Double-play, and Diaz ends the ending in the blink of an eye. SOLID start.

Aybar leads off for San Diego and grounds out to second for what feels like the 10th time this game. Pinch-hitting, Luis Sardiñas strikes out swinging and fuck, this game has to be over.

Margot grounds out. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

7th Inning

Ugly-ass Parker strikes out to start the inning, so maybe things are gonna get better. Torres looked good on that strikeout, so let’s hope he can keep it up. Damn man, dude’s ripping high-nineties on every pitch. GET THE FUCK OUT Hernandez, that’s back-to-back K’s for Torres. Homie’s slinging inside fastballs like he doesn’t give a fuck and I love it! Infield fly puts the Pads back at the plate.

Hardo Giants reliever Kontes workin out of a full windup like there are scouts in the stands. Jank rips a foul ball off his ankle — shit, that’s not good. Ball four, and Jankowski’s on base. Bad news for the Giants, with Myers coming up.

Love watching Jank lead off — guy’s a total surfer dude even though he’s from PA. Guy needs to stay in SD. Anyways, game’s still going on! Myers shoots one up the middle of the field, and we’ve got two on base!

YANGERVIS!!! Jankowski and Myers score, PADS BACK IN THE LEAD!!!!! Clutch double by the Venezuelan. Crowd’s heating up — Giants look like they’re in panic mode.

Two borderline strikes on Schimpf, who has already walked three times today, makes me think Bochy’s got the umps on payroll. Schimpf walks again! Fourth ball four, man that’s gotta be a boring day as a batter. I’d take it every time though.

Renfroe launches one to center, and Solarte’s on third. Sneaky bad day for the right fielder, that’s 0-for-4 now (unless you count that as a sac fly, but I’m not a scoring nerd so I’m not sure).

WOW HEDGES!!! Safety squeezes a bunt, beats out the throw to first and Yangervis scores! What a fucking play, and the Pads are up by two with two on base.

Giants challenge the call (as they should, looked like Hedges didn’t beat it out after all), but the run still counts and Schimpf’s on second.

Kontes walks Aybar onto first, and it looks like he gone.

Blash pinch-hitting after being recalled from El Paso — Pads’ starting catcher took a foul ball off the mask yesterday, so the young guy’s getting his shot.

Blash strikes out, and the Giants escape (but that’s a relative term).

8th Inning

BRING IN THE BUTCHER. (Well it’s Buchter, but that’s my name for him.) Margot runs down a fly, and that’s one down. Fly ball, Margot again — that’s two. Hedges takes a ball off the mask, but it looks like he’s good.

Dammit. Belt goes deep again, and the Pads’ lead is reduced to one.

GET THE FUCK OUT HUNDLEY. Huge Strikeout by the Butcher, who had Hedges and the crowd visually (and audibly) pulling for him.

Padres up at the top of the order. Let’s see if we can put a run or two on the board and secure that lead. Margot gets on, Jank advances him via bunt and the Dominican is in scoring position with just one out.

Myers sends Margot to third with a deep fly to right. Runner on third, two outs. All we need is a hit from Solarte. Another flyout to the ugly fuck in right, so I guess it’s time to bring in the closer.

9th Inning

Maurer in, lets do some fucking work.

Schimpf to Myers, one down. Maurer bringing the fucking HEAT. STRIKE THREE, one more out to go.

ANOTHER K, PADRES WIN. MarGOt GET SOME FUCKIN MONEY

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If These Two Skater Brahs Who Want a 12-Foot Paul Walker Statue In San Clemente Can’t Motivate You, You’re Not Human

If These Two Skater Brahs Who Want a 12-Foot Paul Walker Statue In San Clemente Can’t Motivate You, You’re Not Human

SAN CLEMENTE, CALIFORNIA — Two brave guardians of the rad stood before the high court of San Clemente, demanding a tribute to the late Paul Walker, who’s cousin went to San Clemente High School, be radically erected at the local Pier in downtown San Clemente. Credit: San Clemente Times & etc. no copyright infringement intended, my dude

Today is March 27th so this might seem a bit preemptive, but it’s not. VIDEO OF THE YEAR right here from Chad and Bodhi. RIP Paul Walker.

It doesn’t get more kook than this. I mean read the fucking YouTube description for example number one — “no copyright infringement intended, my dude.” Chad rolling up to the city council meeting in a flowered polo, “Bacon” beanie and striped tie, while his boy Bodhi literally brings a skateboard up to the podium with him. All-time video, and trying to write any more words about this masterpiece would just be taking away from the beauty that is San Clemente kooks.

If you want more from me, I’m sorry, but it is what it is. RIP in peace, Paul Walker.

Old Guy Outshines Gym Bro In Workout Video On Twitter

Old Guy Outshines Gym Bro In Workout Video On Twitter

MAJOR SHOUTOUT TO GRANDPA JACK (I’m not sure that’s his name, but it is now)!!!

Fuck these wannabe Mumford and Sons bodybuilders with the lame-ass tattoos on their pecs and chests and ribcages, or wherever these guys are tatted up nowadays. And fuck anyone who tries to be all creative and shit with the way they work out.

Just look at this guy, who clearly thinks he’s the shit when, in fact, he actually is not. Guy’s not even the most interesting person a video he fucking shot to brag about how much he’s the shit:

I mean props to the guy for stacking dumbbells that well — it really is a talent — but twirling around on top of your tower of weights (which probably inconvenienced half of the people in your gym, by the way) for a few seconds while Grandpa Jack to drills two or three quick free throws isn’t all that impressive. Really though, the chick who posted this video is right — how can you focus on a guy doing a two or three second handstand on a stack of dumbbells when Grandpa Jack is making it fucking rain??? Get a fucking hobby, bro.

And you know what? Maybe this guy’s hobby is making towers out of dumbbells and doing stupid shit on top of them, and if it’s really the dude’s hobby, it is what it is. But I still stand firm on my belief that there are probably more productive, less inconveniencing hobbies out there for you. The world’s your ocean, man.

You Want Another IHOP Fight Video? YOU GET ANOTHER IHOP FIGHT VIDEO

You Want Another IHOP Fight Video? YOU GET ANOTHER IHOP FIGHT VIDEO

IHOP IN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — Drunk blonde comes in loud af. She says “oh my god everyone is staring” after talking about bullshit. The black guy in the other group gets offended and goes up to her and the fight breaks out after one of the girls from the drunk one’s party punches someone.

Per the original poster on Reddit: “They had to close the restaurant for the night afterwards due to blood on the door. The cops were called as the fight broke out, one of the employees tried to intervene too. Our meal was free, but we barely got to eat it due to them closing. Tipped the waiter ten cause I know he’d have to deal with the fallout of that bullshit all night.”

EXCUSE ME???

Damn, I can’t tell if I hate those words or if I love ’em. Because any time you hear a chick yell “excuse me” you know shit’s about to go down. If you’re in a store, some employee is about to get his or her ass chewed the fuck out. If you’re in a fancy restaurant, some lady’s husband is probably about to go on a massively long cold streak. And if you’re in an IHOP at 12:30 in the morning, the entire restaurant is about to go ape shit.

Shoutout to “EXCUSE ME” chick though, because she can talk some mad shit. “Do you wanna get your glasses smacked off, bitch?” If I see “EXCUSE ME” chick storming towards me yelling shit about how she’s gonna break the glasses I’m wearing off my damn face, I’m already high-tailing it for the door. Dine and dash, baby! And to her credit, it looks like “EXCUSE ME” chick beat the shit out of whoever it was she was trying to beat up.

But nah, people can’t seem to avoid getting into fights when they’re drunk eating at IHOP in the middle of the night. People wanna throw fists because why the fuck not, we’re eating midnight breakfast!

Another shoutout, this one going to big black guy yelling “BOP BOP BOP” with every punch he lands. It’s a proven fact that the best athletes grunt — just ask Serena Williams or any Estonian who throws discus in the Olympics. Plus yelling “BOP BOP BOP” just sounds pretty fucking badass.

Love the drunk IHOP fights, keep ’em comin. But if there aren’t any more to come, it is what it is — I’m sure we’ll get some clip of people freaking the fuck out about a cancelled Spirit Airlines flight or something like that in the near future.

This Lone Ranger Might Just Have The Worst Tinder Bio Of All-Time

This Lone Ranger Might Just Have The Worst Tinder Bio Of All-Time

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“Mmm good day m’lady, may I interest you in a relationship?”

Like who the fuck is this guy? No shit you’re on Tinder and no shit people are only going to swipe right if you’re attractive. So how bout you stop thinking about how you can write a creative caption without sounding like an asshole — because news flash, you’re going to sound like an asshole every time — and instead focus on editing the SHIT out of your pictures and tricking girls into thinking you’re good-looking?

After all, by your own standards, that’s what all these Tinder hoes seem to be doing anyways. Might as well beat them at your own game and score you some tail. Without seeing this dude, I’m gonna give him a 2.4 out of 10 on the looks scale just because you know he’s a guy whose only attractive matches are the bots who are asking him if he’s horny and wants to meet up with local chicks in his area.

Maybe his apparent anger towards fake women stems from clicking one of those spam links, maybe it’s from something else. Either way, it is what it is. Can’t judge a guy for trying to get his dick wet.

h/t niceguys

Guy Sees Picture Of Dog In Florida Wearing Sunglasses, So He Does What Anyone Else Would Do…

Guy Sees Picture Of Dog In Florida Wearing Sunglasses, So He Does What Anyone Else Would Do…

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SHOUTOUT TIPPER B!!!

I don’t know who the hell you are, but it takes a guy with fucking STONES to plan a trip to another state just for the sake of a funny picture.

And yet here he is, the homie Tipper B, PETTING THE DAMN DOG IN FLORIDA. What’s the lesson here? If you really want something, you gotta grab life by the balls, run with it and do whatever the fuck it is you wanna do.

Seriously, again, shoutout Tipper B. Teaching America that making good memes is always worth taking a trip to Florida. And damn, that’s a cute ass dog.

Can’t hate you if you’re not as ballsy as Tipper B — it is what it is. But props to Tipper B and anyone else in life who sees what they want and does what needs to be done to make shit happen.

h/t me_irl

Chicks Throwin Dishes! Family Dinner at IHOP Turns Into Full-Blown Fight

Chicks Throwin Dishes! Family Dinner at IHOP Turns Into Full-Blown Fight

HOUSTON — Shocking video has emerged of a massive brawl between diners at an IHOP in Austin, Texas.
A group of men and women all seem to be sitting around and enjoying their meal, but then a few customers start yelling at each other.
Onlookers took out their phones to take videos or photos when three or four women started throwing punches and beating each other, all while yelling and repeatedly calling one another ‘b****’.

LaRon Perkins seemed to find the encounter hilarious, and posted the video on Facebook, saying: ‘It went down in Austin IHOP last night !! Bihh got to throwin plates from our table & all our s*** was free.’
It’s not clear why they started fighting, but footage shows friends trying to keep the women apart.
However, they continually escape their friends grips to launch themselves at each other.
At one point, footage shows that two of the women have a third, who is wearing a tight red dress, in a headlock.

Damn, girl!

Always love it when Dirty South chicks start beefin — things never end peacefully, and no one ever knows why they’re even fighting in the first place.

Quick shoutout to the 10 or so homies taking Snapchats of themselves dancing and laughing while their girls are just beating the shit out of each other in the middle of a fucking IHOP. Always love it when you see the dudes not even freaked out, just knowing there’s nothing they can do to separate the chicks until someone comes out on top.

Broken dish count: I counted at least five, but I’m pretty sure by the end of the video, red dress girl straight up cleared the entire table. Oh well, it is what it is. Good luck cleaning that shit up IHOP, because God knows none of these girls are gonna touch it.